I’ve always liked a challenge, I’ve never wanted the guys who wanted me. I’d cringe at the ones who loved too much, who thought the sun rose and set to my existence, to the guys who felt the way I feel right now when I’d just coldly tell them It was over.

it’s funny how the universe works, how the energy you emit and put out there in the world always finds a way to circle back in your direction. karma baby, it’s a bitch… just like me. we walk hand in hand, and this time she’s got her hands tightly clenched around my heart.

i knew there was a reason why I didn’t do this…. I just couldn’t remember. but after how I’ve felt today…. the question is, how could I forget?

*written on a plane somewhere between San Francisco and NYC around 430 in the morning… in a drug induced haze*

from Merry Christmas to Happy New Year,

we seemed cool, casual, and in the clear.

just getting started, speaking, seeking, exploring new spaces,

coming to know each other’s faces.

we barely skimmed the tip of time

everything so new, still so unknown.

Yet in the turn of a year, and the skip of a stone,

The you I knew, left without ever even saying goodbye,

and I was left with simply some guy.

2010 we were exciting and new,

and in 2011 I did not know you.

I don’t understand, nor will I attempt to try

The turn of events, and the things gone array

All handled poorly, covered in little white lies.

So now maybe you know why you, 22, and I, 25

Was a little unsettling, like a small pin in my thigh.

‘cuz you 22, just makes you a boy.

Not a man, not a plan, not even a toy.

2010 we were exciting and new,

and in 2011 I did not know you.

I’m not looking for love, I’m not looking for marriage

Simply looking for company and some late-night disparage.

Don’t need much of your time, have barely my own.

I’m working, I’m focused, I’m submerged in the zone.

I’m a woman of drive and a girl on a mission,

Not a chick who said or acted like you needed permission

For anything ever, I said do what you please!

Not demanded or dreamed that you’d drop to your knees.

And that goes for both sex and romance, Monsieur Disappear-ee

Mother never taught you it’s polite to return a favor?

To drift south of the border and bask in her flavor?

If you really wanted to wrap this little girl in,

you should’ve been up to the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin.

But instead you just acted like a scared little piggy,

So I huffed and I puffed and it blew the house down.

Because a boy simply can’t keep his shit in the ground.

So now maybe you know, why you, 22, and I, 25

Was a little unsettling, like a small pin in my thigh.

‘cuz you, 22, just makes you a boy.

Not a man, not a plan, not even a toy.

2010 we were exciting and new,

and in 2011 I did not know you.

Attracted, yes. Intrigued, sure.

Curious, turned on, left desiring for more.

I won’t say no, because that’d be a lie.

And I’m devastatingly honest, just ask the last guy.

But you, 22, and I, 25, live in different worlds, and lead different lives.

Gave it a shot, they say age is simply a number.

But with the turn of events, and your actions to boot,

You and your age are the perfect suit.

‘cuz you, 22, just makes you a boy.

Not a man, not a plan, not even a toy.

2. my adorable new dog, mush <3

3. apartment hunting (not)

4. getting my very own place!

5. florence + the machine

6. egg & cheese wake-up wraps from dunkin donuts

7. margaritas

8. “fuck you” – by cee lo

9. people

10. paying taxes (not) <3

WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON!?!

well i gave the Con Ed man the bare minimum deposit to stop the turn-off,  which was 85% of the $500 i had left, which was going towards rent this month; and which i had only deposited the day before. i owe $1,000 to NYU for the emergency room visit my “medicare” didn’t cover, which was 100% of the fucking bill. i owe $500 to my maxed out credit card, that i had just gotten down to $400, “in case of an emergency”, which turned out to be a really cute pair of wedges from Aldo.  i owe my roommate $147 toward the cable bill we clearly haven’t paid for in a while, and my portion of the bar tab we ran up at Tiki Bar on 4th of July. i owe my parents $900 for taxes that they laid out for me back in March and in the next two weeks I’ll work 140 hours to make $500.

so you tell me… WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON?

oh, and cigarettes just went up to $13 a pack. what the fuuuuck?

1. summer

2. dancing

3. d’jais

4. belmar, nj

5. empanadas

6. the smell of gas

7. long drives with a good playlist, my one hitter, & a full pack of cigarettes

8. black or white by michael jackson

9. ciara’s new video (ride)

10. the beach <3

but back to my point…

in my opinion, this is one of the most beautiful love songs i’ve ever heard.  it speaks to my heart, as many songs do, but not this closely, and not on the matters of love; which i find difficult to identify with these last few years.  but here, marc cohen has captured what i strive and hope for in a relationship — in a true companion.  as i’ve always been a believer in fate and destiny, in mates of the soul, and two beings eventually finding one another down the lines of time and the paths they’ve crossed.  i don’t mean this in the sense of being born into a life where someone has already been pre-determined to be the “one” for you, because i don’t believe in that at all.  destiny is not something you are born in to.  fate is not something that the heavens just decide over coffee and crumpets.  they are elements of life that come from time, from experiences had and decisions made, from actions taken and paths followed, from people loved and people lost.  it’s an accumulation of all the things you’ve seen and touched, did and were, do and are.  you create it, from start to finish, in everything you do.  and it makes up who you become — you make up who you become.  you learn yourself and and who you are.  you come to know what you wish for out of life, and who you wish for in life.  you come to realize your soul and what it’s made of, and all the things in a person that will compliment it, and in turn the type of person who just might turn out to be, your true companion.

and that’s what i hope and wish for in my future.  my far future, but nonetheless, all the same.

on an even deeper note, in my true companion, i hope to find a man who loves and feels for me the way that marc cohen loves and feels in this song.  i hope to find a man who, too, is able to identify with this song, the way that i have.  because this song speaks to my soul, and and in turn, so does he.

the fact that this song has actually got me thinking about love right now is something crazy in itself.  makes me almost want to feel it again.  almost.

and there’s only one conclusion i’ve drawn from this.  i need to do something in music.  need to.

and i’m sure a million more but it’s 4am and i’m tired.

and for me freedom = happiness.

so in recent one can come to understand why i have not been my happiest lately.  i have not been my saddest either.  not by a long shot.  stressed, absolutely.  incredibly actually. not since since college, last semester have i been this stressed. which in time is approximately about the time i started practically pulling out my eye lashes.  although, i’ve been doing it ever since soooo…

reason for my stress?  money. and in turn freedom. i’m still battling to find myself a good bartending job. and fuck is it a fight.  i’ve acquired two, even three kind of.  i’ve gone through one already,  have been making crap at the other, and am waiting on the third.  got screwed out of a fourth, but i’m working there tomorrow not, so whatever.  am still under investigation, or “pending review” rather; as the government puts it. blah, blah, blahhh.  so money, has been tight. very tight.  but, i will get through this.  as i always do.  i’ve got shit in the works! and opportunities in line that will, by the grace of god, pan out, and i can start getting back on my feet again. aka making that cash money money moneyyy.

ah’ the good ol’ days.

til then, i lack freedom.  because money = freedom and freedom = happiness.

therefore money does = happiness.

however, i just heard a quote, and astonishingly so…  ”relationships are all we have in this world. money! pfff… what’s money? yes, money gives you freedom.  but relationships are what make us happy” – jill, real housewives of new york.

yes, that’s right.  you heard it here first, or on bravo 2700 god-damn times. ladies and gentleman, never would i have imagined that i would ever quote anyone from that show.  nor any other show in it’s name, and like it.  but as i sit here writing this, that stupid mumbo-jumbo is playing in the background, catching my ear at all the perfect times. ok, the one perfect time ever but…

and that is why i am not at my saddest.  because relationships are all we have left in this world.  and luckily for me, i’ve got some of the best relationships with the best people in this world.

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